Reflecting

As I approach my next birthday, I have been also reflecting on my life, where I've been, where I wanted to be and where I am. Sadly, I'm no where near where I would like to be at this time in my life. Thing just never seemed to work out. Things would be good for a time and then the bottom would fall out and the struggles would begin all over.

I've realized a lot of thing over the last several months while reflecting back and looking at my life now. I realized I'd spent my whole life trying to please everyone, trying to be someone that my mind told me I should be, but knowing I wasn't that person. I realize that because of all the trauma in my childhood ... The sexual abuse, the verbal abuse from my parents, living with alcoholic parents ... I wanted to be someone I wasn't. I never accomplished that.

I am a smart woman, creative, loving, giving, I could go on, but I never had the courage to stand up and say NO to people or things happening that would affect my life. But now, at this age, you would think I could do it. But, nope still can't do it.

So, as I approach this next birthday, I'm making a list of things I want to accomplish in the next year. I may not accomplish all of them, but at the end of the year, I hopefully will be able to say, I TRIED.

Until next time,
This Is My Life

Missed Yesterday, But Here Today

Yesterday started off with me waking about 4 a.m. with the normal morning headache. But I was able to go back to sleep. Fortunately, when I did wake up, I didn't have the pounding headache. So I did a little work, updated a couple of websites and then basically did nothing.


I exercised for about 5 minutes (a simple line dancing to some music, makes me want to move). Don't want to over do it, so I'm starting very slow and working up to see how things go.

In the evening, we went to celebrate Kaitlyn 16th birthday with family. Caroline fixed steak subs, french fries and of course, Kaitlyn's favorite cake, Funfetti cake. It was a lot of fun, but it is still so hard to believe she is 16!!!

By the time we arrived back home, I was barely able to walk. Now is this from the walking while shopping for a present, the 5 minutes of exercise or what??? I decided the best thing to do was go to bed, take medicine and see what happens. Well, laying in the bed, my legs felt like they were running a marathon. For the next hour and I was miserable, but just continue to read and try to ignore everything.

I finally fell asleep when I woke up this morning I immediately determined that I have some very, very sore areas on my body. Neck and shoulders are sore and tight, right leg hurts and knee joint is throbbing, left leg has that funny little tingling in it, hands are tight, ankles hurt when I walk, but you know what, I can live through this. This is minor to what some days are like.

I sometimes think about how I am feeling at a given moment and wonder how in the world a child deals with this? How does a teenager who has so much to do, deal with all the issues and pain of fibromyalgia? It has to be hard not only on the child/teen but the parents and other family members as well. So much is unknown about fibromyalgia.

I have learned to take one day at a time, pray for a better tomorrow and just deal with what today has for me.

Until tomorrow, Gentle Hugs on Butterfly Wings,
Sue

Week 1 Recap

Week 1: 3 lbs.

Now I consider that great since the Fibro Monster had me for three days out of the week, with yesterday being the worst.

I started this life change on the 1st and have kept track of everything that I've eaten. I am doing 1200 calories. I found a great app for both my iPad and Android that sync so I always have a way to track my food/drink intake. It's called MyFitnessPal. It is very easy to use and not only shows calories but all other nutritional information, such as sugar, sodium, protein, etc. I also purchase a food scale from eBay so that I can weigh foods to make sure I'm eating the right portion size. This is also helping me to visualize what a portion really looks like.

I enjoyed lots of good food this week ... Homemade crab chowder, trout, red snapper and cabbage soup (made with onion, celery, tomatoes, green peppers, and of course, cabbage). I'm having at least 2 cups of cabbage soup a day, along with other foods. I have also discovered Nutella (where has this been all of my life?) and love it!

The biggest obstacle I have will be the exercise part. But, I will do what I can, when I can and hope fr the best. I'm also reviewing some yoga for people with pain and limitations.

Pain recap for this week: left knee good one day, next day I am in severe pain when trying to walk; right leg just hurts all the time; heavy arms and weak hands, which makes it very difficult to do anything involving them; headache that makes me sick to my stomach and dizzy each time I move my head or body; the itching all over my body, never knowing where or how long it will last; the right side jaw pain that mocks the worst earaches you've ever had that comes and goes whenever it feels like it; and last but not least, the Fibro fog, which totally messes with your mind!

So as I start week 2 of my journey, I will keep the faith and know that the end results will be worth it.

Until tomorrow ...

Gentle Hugs on Butterfly Wings,
Sue

Sweet 16

Today we are celebrating Kaitlyn's 16th birthday. I clearly remember the day she was born. It was snowing, we had about 2' already on the ground. I stood looking out the waiting room window at the moon shining over the parking lot, glistening over the snow. Then the biggest snowflakes I've ever seen started to fall. They were huge but beautiful. You could just see their fluffiness. Then the phone in the waiting room rang. Marc was calling to tell us we have a beautiful baby girl. And, she was. She was tiny and pink and perfect and smelled so good. The first time I held her I melted and knew she had taken my heart forever.

She was my "Poohbaby" and Pap's (Bill) best hot tub buddy. She learned to swim in our hot tub in the dead of winter. She and Pap would get up in the morning, fix coffee (hers was milk with a splash of coffee), put on their swimsuits and robes and head out to the deck to the hot tub. Of course, by the time they reached the hot tub she was naked because she didn't want to get her swimsuit wet! And she had this one-piece swimsuit that she always wore backward and you couldn't convince her to wear it any other way.

She had a sandbox at our house and loved to play in it but didn't like to get "sandy dirty" so she would tiptoe around in it like the princess that she was.

She loved cleaning and had her own spray bottle (filled with water) and rag. She would go around the rooms cleaning as high as she could reach, anything that she could spray, including the dog.

As she grew, she became more and more beautiful and we loved her more and more each day. She has truly grown into a beautiful young woman, whom we are so very proud of.

I don't know what the future hold for her right now, but I do hope it is filled with lots of happiness and love. And, I do know that she will always have a very special place in my heart and I love her more and more each day.

Happy Birthday to my one and only, Poohbaby!
Love, Nanny

Gentle Hugs on Butterfly Wings,
Sue